Anxiety

make_it_stop_by_chiggerwood

As the medicine fails
The hatred grows
And
I scream an everlasting scream

As the doctors
And
Therapist fail
I inflict the pain on my body that my mind tells me I deserve

The fear bubbles to the surface
As the Disease wraps its hands around my throat
It smiles
And
Laughs
As it proclaims my failures
And
Drags me to the ground to spew
Blood
And
Viscera
And
Hatred
Into my screaming mouth.

The sewage of this disease’s words
Are the truth
The only truth I can know
And
I accept them with a
Loving
Tear filled
Hateful smile
That is a reflection of its gaping maw.

This disease
Holds me
Caresses me
And
Speaks to me
Reminders that
I am a burden
I am detestable
That all those who look at me see only
Weakness
And
Cowardice
And
A millstone tied around their necks
I scream that it is a lie
But I don’t believe my screams
I don’t believe the words of those around me who speak
Comforting words
Gentle phrases
And
Reassuring statements.

This disease is the holder of the truth
The fruit of the tree of knowledge
The keeper of my soul,
Its toy
That it poses in
Obscene positions
To the unending laughter
Of the hatred that dwells within.

I know this disease lies to me
I know it very well
But it is telling me the truth my mind wants to hear.

I want someone to hate me
Someone to yell at me
Someone to give me a dirty look
So my self hatred is shown to be an objective truth
So I can happily feast on the bullshit this disease feeding me
While I smile
And
Cry
And
wait for this disease to be silent.

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2 thoughts on “Anxiety

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